"Building Better Marriages"

Building Better Marriages

Read Genesis 2:18-24 (NKJV)

“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’ Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam, there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Statistics

Divorce rates in the United States have been falling slowly over the past few decades, but they still remain higher than they were in the early 1970s. According to recent data, about 35-50% of first marriages end in divorce, while second marriages have a higher divorce rate of 60-70+%.

Lack of commitment is the most common reason given by divorcing couples according to a recent national survey. Here are the reasons given and their percentages: Lack of commitment 73%, Argue too much 56%, Infidelity 55%.

The rate of divorce amongst Christian couples has been rising in recent years and is now comparable to the secular divorce rate. While it has long been assumed that Christian marriages were more stable than non-Christian unions, this data would suggest otherwise.

Divorce is affecting 1 in every 2 marriages and this statistic doesn’t improve much among Christians. You may be surprised to learn that Christian marriages aren’t ending for the reasons you might think. Most divorces are precipitated by cheating or constant fighting over money.

Three Truths about Marriage:

#1 – The goal of marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.

A husband and wife are to become one. This doesn’t mean that they will always agree. This doesn’t mean that they will never argue. This means that they will stay united and that their marriage is characterized by selflessness and sacrifice. Great marriages are the result of husbands and wives making a lot of everyday choices that say, “I love you,” rather than choices that say, “I love me.”

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The Bible says that a crucial quality of Christ-like love is that love “does not seek its own.” (1 Corinthians 13:5) Another way to say this is that love is not selfish. Our problem as sinful human beings, we want what we want when we want it. If we would cure selfishness, it would be like replanting the Garden of Eden!

A pastor once said, “A strong marriage is born the day a husband and wife decide to stop fighting against each other and start fighting for each other.”

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The verses above describe true Christ-like love. Since this is the type of love that we are to have in our marriages, this should describe all Christian husbands and wives. Is the following true in your marriage? Husbands and wives are patient, husbands and wives are kind and are not jealous; husbands and wives do not brag and are not arrogant, they do not act unbecomingly; they do not seek their own, they are not provoked, they do not take into account a wrong suffered, they do not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoice with the truth; they bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things. Love never fails.

#2 – Marriage is hard work.

You don’t fall into a great marriage. You build one.

In order to have a great marriage, you must:

Work on your marriage.

Let’s talk about working on your marriage. Some say that the grass is greener on the other side. That’s not true. The grass is green where you water it. Marriage is not 50-50. Divorce is 50-50. Marriage is 100-100. It isn’t dividing everything in half, but giving everything you’ve got.

The Marriage Box

Most people get married believing a myth; that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for; companionship, romance, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship, laughter, financial security. The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put some things into it before you can take anything out of it. There is no love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into their marriage. There is no romance in marriage; people have to put it into their relationship. A couple must discern what things work to improve their relationship and form the habits of communicating, giving, sacrificing, sharing, loving, touching, serving, and praising. In other words, keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty!

Work on yourself.

Having a godly marriage isn’t as much about finding the right person as becoming the right person.

One thing has been true of every marriage ever performed. The couple getting married truly believed they were going to live happily ever after. If not, why get married? Too often, however, wedding-day fairytales turn into marriage horror stories. Often, marriages have bad endings because they didn’t have the right beginnings. God wants every married couple to live happily ever after. It can be done. But fairytale marriages don’t just happen. They require hard work. In fact, it takes very little work to have a bad marriage; but it takes a lot of work to have a good one. If two people are madly in love, why is marriage so much work? That question contains the answer…because marriage involves two people…people who carry into that marriage two totally different sets of expectations.

The vast majority of people who get married go into the marriage focusing on what they hope to receive rather than what they want to give. Then, when they don’t get from the marriage what they expected or think they deserve, they quit giving what they should to their spouse. This is a vicious cycle that is hard to break once it gets going…especially when both partners are caught in it.

There has never been a marriage in the history of the world that did not end up happily ever after when both the husband and the wife were the individual people that God wanted them to be. The secret to having a joyous marriage is found not in changing your spouse, but in allowing Christ to change you. My mentor pastor Stephens says, “As you evolve, some stuff has to dissolve.”

Work on forgiveness.

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. God says, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 No marriage is perfect. Without forgiveness, it will not last.

#3 – Your marriage is only as strong as your relationship with God.

Want a bad marriage? Put yourself first. Want a good marriage? Put your spouse first. Want a great marriage? Put God first. You must have a healthy and growing relationship with Jesus if you are going to have a healthy marriage. It is often said that the ideal marriage is like an eternal triangle, with each of you at the bottom of the triangle and God at the top. In that triangle, the closer you get to God, the closer you become to one another.

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.” Ephesians 5:22-28

The gospel helps us to understand marriage, and marriage helps us to understand the gospel. People today don’t like the word, “submission.” I think that is because they misunderstand submission. A pastor friend shared, “Do you want to know a good definition of submission? Here it is: Submission is one equal willingly placing himself under another equal that God may therefore be glorified. We are never more like Jesus than when we submit. And never more like the devil than when we rebel.”

A man who is submitted to Jesus will want what is best for his wife rather than demand what he thinks is best for himself. It is a pleasure for a Christian woman to submit to a man who is submitted to Christ. Charles Stanley says, “Your best shot at having a beautiful marriage is if both of you make it your goal to become more like Jesus.” Seek Christ each day, and your marriage will be blessed. Jesus said, “But seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Matthew 6:33