"LEt's Get Family Right"

Let’s Get Family Right

Scripture: Ephesians 6:1-4 (NIV)

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Time passes so quickly. Our children grow up right under our noses, and before we know it, they are on their own. Mine are there. Many of us have children who have children of their own. Others of you are just beginning a family. The word many of us have for you is that your children will be grown before you realize it.

Because of these reasons, it is so very important that we heed the wisdom found in Scripture concerning family. Our text today addresses this issue. We will look at the advice found in our text, but there is much more that the Scripture says than we will be able to cover in this one message. The book of Proverbs is full of sound advice for both parents and children. We need to be familiar with what God says in an age where values are so muddled, and a “normal” family almost doesn’t exist.

The wisdom we need is not the wisdom of the so-called experts that has led to a culture that doesn’t even know how to define family anymore. The wisdom we need is the wisdom from a God who designed the family in the first place. Our text gives us two words of wisdom. The first word is to the children, and the second is to the parents.

Right for Children

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” (Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV)

God’s word of wisdom to children is simple: Children, obey your parents in the Lord. It is a simple and straightforward word. I know this might be a shock to you, but children don’t always obey their parents! I heard of a mother who was asked by her three children what she would like for her birthday. She answered, “Three well-behaved children.” One of the children thought about her words for a moment and said, “Great! Then there will be six of us.”

It should be no surprise to those of us who know the Lord that our children come into the world with a natural tendency to sin. All of us do. We do not have to learn how to disobey; we must learn how to obey. Obedience is a learned behavior. It is essential that this behavior be both taught by parents and learned by children if God’s order for the home is to be established. If that order is not established, then there will be constant strife. That is why both parents and children must heed this word.

Sometimes our children’s disobedience is kind of funny. I heard of a confrontation between a young boy and his mother that went this way. Mother: “Young man, there were two cookies in the pantry this morning! May I ask how it happened that there is only one now?” Boy: “It must have been so dark I didn’t see the other one.” While we laugh at that sort of thing, generally disobedience is not a laughing matter. The fact is that disobedience can lead to some serious consequences. The Greek word which is translated “obey” comes from two words, under and to listen. In other words, conscious and deliberate listening, listening so as to really hear. All too often our children practice what might be called “selective listening.” In truth, they really hear everything, they simply choose to ignore what they don’t want to hear. I have proved this by an experiment. You might want to try it. When your child is in another room, speak in a normal voice and ask the child to clean up his or her room.

Generally, you will get no answer. The child wants you to think the request was not heard. Then speak in a very soft voice and ask the child what kind of pizza or computer he or she would like. I have found you will get not only an immediate reply, but their presence as well! Selective listening.

Listen closely children. You ought to obey your parents because it is in accord with divine law. Paul refers to the Fifth of the Ten Commandments: Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. It is not only right in the eyes of society to honor and obey your parents, it is right in the eyes of God. He has commanded it! And He has given us a promise for obedience to His command.

The promise is two-fold. The first aspect of the promise is that it may be well with you. The second aspect of the promise is that you may live long on the earth. In other words, if you honor and obey your parents, life will be less a hassle and they won’t kill you. Quite a promise! Seriously, God does promise that life will be easier if we obey our Godly parents. Hassles at home will be fewer, and life will have a more peaceful and joyous quality to it. Generally, this will result in a longer and healthier life.

Children, the command is clear. But you have the choice. It really boils down to your attitude, and your commitment to Christ. If your heart is right toward God, then you should want to honor and obey your parents. Parents are not perfect. They are far from it, and most of them will even admit it. But you will never make them perfect by rebelling against them. And you will only make life more difficult for yourself. Don’t you think that the God who created the family knows how the family should be operated? Take His advice. Obey His command.

Right for Parents

There was a pastor who gave a talk about parenting even before he had a child. His title was, “How to Raise Your Children.” Then he had his first child. It took him some time before he gave that talk again. When he gave it, he changed the title into “Suggestions for Struggling Parents.” Then he had two more children. Again he changed it into “Hints for Hopeless Parents.” Finally, when they became teenagers, he ended up with this: “Anyone here got a few words of wisdom?”

Parenting is really tough! It can bring out the best or the worst from us. But it is God’s will that we experience meaningful relationships.

We talked about the responsibility of the children to obey their parents in Ephesians 6:1-3. Now, parents, it’s our turn. Let’s look at verse 4: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Well, when it comes to the state of the family today, many would say we’ve gone crazy. The look of the family is changing. Whether you’re single, in your first marriage, your second, blended family, the advice for families found in Proverbs can make a difference in your life, and your children’s lives. No matter how the look of the family might change, the reliable truth of God’s Word for the family does not change; and it can provide the stability families need in an ever-changing world and help you fulfill the primary purpose of a family – raising your children well. Let’s see what we can learn.

Many parents are concerned with providing the basic “necessities” of life. Indeed, Paul emphasized the importance of such provision. Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8 NIV)

Dave Ramsey calls these “The Four Walls”: the basic necessities of food, shelter (including utilities), basic clothing and transportation. Beyond these four items, anything else in terms of physical provision, is “extra.” While we might want to provide nice “extras” for our kids or grandkids, our next priority in terms of provision should move from the physical to the emotional and spiritual, according to Proverbs.

A. Parents need to provide their kids with faith. Better to have little, with fear for the LORD, than to have great treasure and inner turmoil. (Proverbs 15:16 NLT) Fear of the LORD is the foundation of true knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline. (Proverbs 1:7 NLT) Fear of the LORD lengthens one’s life, but the years of the wicked are cut short. (Proverbs 10:27 NLT) “By fearing the Lord, people avoid evil.” (Proverbs 16:6b NLT) True humility and fear of the LORD lead to riches, honor, and long life. (Proverbs 22:4 NLT)

Teaching your kids how to have a personal, meaningful, intimate love relationship with God that results in proper perspective on oneself and one’s God is the most important “provision” a parent can give. How might one do this? Four thoughts.

1. Pray together as a family.
2. Read the Bible together as a family.
3. Worship together as a family.
4. Serve together as a family.

B. Parents need to provide their kids with hope. Several Proverbs mention the “rod” when speaking of disciplining a child. At first reading, it seems the Bible recommends spanking as an important means of correction. But this is not the only way to interpret these passages. While the rod seems to be an object to strike with, the term rod is also used in the Bible in connection with the shepherd’s staff: “Your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).

The shepherd’s staff was used to guide wandering sheep along the right path. The rod was used to beat off predators, not hit sheep who stray. The idea behind the rod is that of discipline and guidance in the effort to protect the child so they might prosper and flourish.

Discipline your children while there is hope. Otherwise you will ruin their lives. (Proverbs 19:18 NLT) Every child is born with certain abilities, capacities, and possibilities. The job of a parent is to help them discover and develop them. Discipline is all about a parent providing guidance that helps a child minimize the chance they waste their life and maximize the chance to make the most of their life. One familiar proverb on child raising is: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22:6 NIV)

There’s no “one size fits all” approach to disciplining a child. A wise parent gets to know their child, what’s meaningful to them and what gets their attention. Discipline isn’t just about letting your child know when they’ve done poorly, but also about letting them know when they’ve done well.

C. Parents need to provide their kids with love. Providing an environment where love reigns is more important than providing material abundance. Troubled kids come from homes where “love” is lacking, not money! But what does a loving home look like? This reminds me of the words of Paul: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV) Note again verse 8, “Love never fails” or “Love never quits!”

Love sometimes has to be “tough” and put distance between us and a family member, but that’s never our primary objective. Our primary objective in our family is to have healthy, loving relationships. To bring up our children in the Lord’s way is a command, not an option. Parenting is our CALLING. Parents, we cannot delegate this task solely to the other parent. We cannot turn it over to the school. The church is not a substitute either. The church complements you but it cannot replace you. We are disobedient if we fail to parent our children. We must take responsibility for them.

We cannot say “Do what I tell you. Don’t do what I do.” We have to walk the talk. Teaching our kids God’s standards has to be daily. We have to be consistent. Then we are to “Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.” (Deuteronomy 6:7 NLT) Let us remember we raise our children not to control them but to release them. The Bible describes them as “arrows in a warrior’s hand.” Like arrows, we must free our kids to be the persons God meant them to become, to realize their full potential.

Whatever we do, however, it is our responsibility to nurture, train, and instruct our children in what it means to follow Jesus. The greatest gift we could ever give our children would be a desire to know Jesus. To do that we must use every opportunity to share with them by our lips and lives just how important Jesus is to us.