"Life in the blender part 2"

Life In The Blender (Part 2)

It’s a Family in a Blender

There is no better word to describe the blended family than “blended.” When we consider the challenges of this new family unit, it can often feel like you’ve been thrown in a blender—stirred, chopped, sliced, and beaten to a pulp. The variety of different opinions, philosophies, and approaches coming together at one time frequently contributes to the confusion and chaos. Some days you will barely be able to hold it together. After all, you and your spouse were brought together by love, but only after navigating the trauma of a divorce or death—and perhaps some healing is yet to come for you or other members of your family.

Meanwhile, a new household needs to be established, and your parents, children, and even extended families may have all kinds of opinions on the relationships involved and how they should work. Old patterns, to some extent, will need to be unlearned, and some new models will be invented. This can be especially complicated for children. Familiar with one parenting style, they now have to learn another; the learning curve is only steepened if both biological parents remarry. And thus, this change is challenging for all involved. Both parents and children are likely to experience confusion and frustration at times.

What can you do to work successfully in blending two families into one?

Five Principles to Keep in Mind

One | Clarify Expectations

Read Proverbs 3:13-15 (NLT)

Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding. 14  For wisdom is more profitable than silver, and her wages are better than gold. 15  Wisdom is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.

It’s foolish to think that the blended family members will feel like, or relate to each other like a biological family. It can’t be done. It can take years to form the emotional bonds taken for granted in other nuclear families. However, it helps when the children can see people decide to work together, love each other, and begin to form new bonds. So set goals for your marriage and family together.

Two | Focus on Strengthening Your Marriage

Read Ephesians 5:21-30 (NLT)

21  And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22  For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  23  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.  24  As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. 25  For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her  26  to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. [ a ]   27  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.  28  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.  29  No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.  30  And we are members of his body.

Husbands and wives are required to make each other a priority. Invest deeply into the life of your new spouse. This is hard in a newly blended family. It may take extra effort to work through differences, so don’t just storm out of the room physically or emotionally—lean into the conflict. Different parenting styles are going to clash, and former patterns that worked might end up changing into something new and different.

These changes are uncomfortable for everyone. It’s going to take time to recognize, agree on, and build this new family system. In the meantime, show respect and kindness. Learn from your partner and listen to her. Share a life spiritually together and make sure you continue to have leisure time together, date each other and most of all, have fun together. You have to be intentional, but is so worth it.

Three | Let the Biological Parent Lead for a Season

Read Matthew 18:1-6 (NLT)

About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?” 2  Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them.  3  Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven.  4  So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. 5  “And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf  is welcoming me.  6  But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it  would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Upon a divorce or the death of a parent, a child’s world turns upside down. If you think about it, they are along for a ride that they did not ask to be taken on. This amount of change is unsettling for them emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. They need some things to remain unchanged, and one that can be constant is the voice of their biological parent in moments of stress, teaching, redirection, or discipline.

Read Proverbs 13:14

The instruction of the wise is like a life-giving fountain; those who accept it avoid the snares of death. So let your wife take the lead in parenting her biological children. Discipline is usually a big battleground. There is often the feeling that “You’re too hard on mine and too easy on yours.” Therefore, the natural parent is in the best position to discipline his or her own children because he or she knows their children best and their discipline is received better. You may not always agree with her method of discipline or how she delivers it, but you can respect the choices of your spouse.

Over time, the hope is that all your children will learn to respect and love the joint discipline of both parents, biological or not. Careful planning is necessary. Develop the same set of rules for all children and enforce them fairly and consistently.

Four | Conflict Resolution

Read Matthew 5:25-26 (NLT)

“When you are on the way to court with your adversary, settle your differences quickly. Otherwise, your accuser may hand you over to the judge, who will hand you over to an officer, and you will be thrown into prison.  26  And if that happens, you surely won’t be free again until you have paid the last penny.

All families have conflicts. Individuals often lack good conflict resolution skills. That’s a major reason why their first marriage failed and many don’t learn new skills, often blaming their former spouse for the failure. Most blended families have more than their share of conflicts and aren’t skilled in conflict resolution. This is especially devastating when they are still working through significant trauma and grief over the first failed marriage.

Five | God Can Do Extraordinary Work

Consider the case of Moses, son of Jochebed, who was born into an Israelite family in Egyptian slavery. Yet for his safety, he was sent down the Nile River in a basket when the Pharaoh of Egypt called for the mass genocide of all the Israelite boys. His parents, who trusted God, discovered that Moses made his way into the hands of Queen Bithia, Pharaoh’s daughter, and was raised in this royal home.

For the first 40 years of his life, Moses grew up in extreme wealth and luxury as a stepchild to the Pharaoh. This was Moses’ stepfamily. Then Moses discovered his Israelite heritage and fled the comfort of this palatial home to discover another home. Later, he headed to Midian, where he established an intimate relationship with God and married Zipporah, the daughter of Jethro. After another 40 years, Moses left the desert and returned to Egypt as a prophet and leader to free the Israelite nation from captivity, leading them to 40 years of wandering in the desert. There he shepherded a nation of people in hopes of leading them into the land of promise. So think about that for a minute. Moses was a kid who grew up in a stepfamily yet became a father and the leader of God’s people—the man whom God used to lead His people from slavery and through whom God delivered the Law on Mount Sinai. I would say that is a pretty spectacular story of redemption and hope for all stepfamilies.

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So keep in mind that while the process may be difficult or a while, God has something special for a blended family. And if you have one, you might be raising a future leader of God’s people right now.

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Practice love and forgiveness

Read John 13:34-35

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.  35  Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

Let love direct your behavior. Be reminded that when Paul speaks of love in 1 Corinthians 13, he doesn’t speak of feeling but rather action. Love is not a feeling. It’s action, what you do for the care and betterment of others. Part of love is forgiveness. Practice forgiveness. There will be occasions when you will have to learn to forgive your stepchildren, your spouse, your in-laws, your spouse’s ex, and others. It’s the most loving thing you can do.